Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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