it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
