We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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