He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
