Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
