I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
