Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
