you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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