I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I could fuck to npr.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
