im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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