I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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