he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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