Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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