U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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