i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
