if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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