why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
