I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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