My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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