I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
smell my finger.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
