I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
