there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
