and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
