I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
