Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
