drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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