Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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