All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
