That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
