so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Randomize
