I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
