Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Who died my cat blue again?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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