I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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