I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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