Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
