Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
