when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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