Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
where am i from again
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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