Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
