so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
