ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
