Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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