I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
