I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
