she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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