And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
