I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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