This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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