i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
