I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
