i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
