Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
