I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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