why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
