Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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