careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
