Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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