Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
