is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
